do the ends really justify the means?

so when i first got to here it was agreed upon that outside of the actual english classes i would speak german with everyone here, even the english teachers. i was a fan of this rule. i still am. however, there have been a few instances, say, when my non-german-speaking brother was here, for example, when we've had to speak some english, right? this probably sounds strange, but it's COMPLETELY weird for me to speak english with people here!! in fact, it was even a little strange the first couple of times i heard some of the teachers speak english in class, because i was so used to hearing them speak entirely in german. i mean, i know all of them speak english. quite well actually. and with the coolest accents!! =) but it's still weird for me to talk to them in english, even when the occasion demands it. it's easier with some of them than with others, of course--actually, it's easiest with the ones i have the least to do with. probably because i don't care if i talk to them or not period, so whether in english or german is more or less irrelevant! =) but it still always catches me off guard somehow.

you'd think i'd be relieved to finally be able to speak english or something, but that's not at all how it works, strangely. a lot of times i just feel even more coversationally awkward than i would in german, because i'm so not used to speaking english with them. go figure. besides, it kind of feels like cheating. i mean, i can obviously express myself a lot better in english than in german--not that that's saying much, although i've been told i'm getting better!! =) so whoever i'm talking to is going to understand more of what i'm saying--and more of who i am--when i speak english. and it's kind of irritating when i know that i'm capable of telling the same stories, expressing the same ideas, etc. in german, but i don't have the opportunity to have such conversations unless english speakers are around, and then we all have to speak english. grrrrr. don't get me wrong. i mean, i'll take what i can get!! and i'm actually just glad to have finally gotten comfortable speaking english with some of these people instead of being completely weirded out by the whole thing. but it still feels like...yeah, like cheating.


p.s. 8 days now. can this be for real?!?!?!