reciprocity

i'm listening to lauryn hill. "tell me who do i have to be to gain some reciprocity?"..."no matter how i think we grow, you always seem to let me know it ain't working...it ain't working...it ain't working"...

yeah. this is definitely not working. it takes me about 3 years to put together half of the sentence i want to say, and by the time i've got that half out, i either can't remember why i was saying it in the first place, OR that wasn't even the relevant part, and it would just take way too much effort to actually get around to making the point i wanted to make. and if there's more than one person involved, someone's guaranteed not to understand something, which means the whole thing--my whole half-sentence--has to be repeated twenty times (ok, really maybe twice, but still), and by the time the whole thing's over and i've scraped together the last shreds of my dignity and self-worth, it occurs to me that it's all been for nothing. that i'm never going to be a real person here. that all the half-sentences in the world aren't enough. hell, that even all the whole sentences wouldn't be enough to make me half of a person here.

and it comes down to reciprocity in a way. or about the capacity for it, at least.