fragments

walking home, offered ride by martin, how is this my life?? =) watching the rain darken the pavement in front of me a few drops at a time

something reminds me of the texture of weathered american dollar bills, stories of money in envelopes, farmer's market in ann arbor on saturday mornings. not nostalgia. not even homesickness (at least not at the moment!!) just a kind of joy in knowing that such things exists and that i will go home to them--(NOT YET)--that i have a home. (even if it's not my home!!)

"And because it was so beautiful, it set me longing, always longing. . . Everything seemed to be saying, Psyche, come! But I couldn't (NOT YET) come and I didn't know where i was to come to."

madeleine: "back in joy"...

wonder if i'm here because i don't know where else to go. needing/wanting to be at home somewhere. homesick everywhere. not running away, just trying to find home. wonder if i'm asking too much of germany... (KNOW i'm asking too much of the germans!!)

trying to write this essay for my application to stay here next year... not sure what to say. how honest to be. not even sure what the truth is at the moment. (or ever??) ..."just be yourself"... who the fuck is that??? i remember writing an angsty essay in my high school english class about how pissed i was that teachers and guidance counselors kept telling us stuff like that when we were writing college application essays. of course, i didn't use words like "fuck" when i was in high school... good girls didn't say things like that, and i wanted to be a good girl. but i'm a far cry from what that girl thought was a good girl, so to hell with it all, right?

keep asking myself the...

"same old questions,
without words,
so familiar
seldom heard.
if I answer
I confess
I am only
just a guess..."

wondering if i'm supposed to stay here long enought to learn HOW to overcome the things that being here has taught me that i NEED to overcome

(that said, i need to quote the rest of the song...surprise, surprise)

"and with my eyes
it's hard to see
with my ears it's
hard to believe that
if I ever lose my will to live
it was me that I could not forgive

there's no savior hanging on this cross
it isn't suffering we fear but loss
this is closer than I ever came
just a burning moth without a flame

isaac's knife can
cut away
all the poisoned
yesterdays
and the anger
ease it down
into the ocean
let it drown
as far as east is
from the west
I let you go
I know it's best
and my answer to the years of strife
is the way I choose to live my life

there's no savior hanging on this cross
it isn't suffering you fear but loss
when there's no one else around to blame
you're a burning moth without a flame

maybe I should take your face tonight
let you see yourself in a different light
if you were to take my place tonight
wouldn't jesus be surprised

there's no savior hanging on this cross
it isn't suffering we fear but loss
this is closer than I ever came
just a burning moth without a flame
it's an offer that you can't refuse
it's a trophy that you'll want to lose
but you'll do anything
anything
you're a burning moth without a flame"

Over the Rhine::Moth

you can draw your own conclusions.