a day in the life of

i was asked today to describe what my average day looks like. so what's the easiest thing to do? take today, for example... but today wasn't an average day. or was it??

get up. make coffee, although i'm not likely to have time to drink it. leave the house later than planned, make it to the bus stop in time anyway. say hi to whichever students i see on the bus. get to school. attempt to organize whatever yet unresolved details of the day i can before losing my nerve completely. burst spontaneously into tears. listen to people tell me how easy things could be although they don't even understand what's wrong in the first place. go to class(es). try not to screw things up too badly. break. recover from whatever did go badly. make small talk (read: smile and nod) with whatever random teacher says something in my general direction. try not to take it personally when half of it's in english. go to next class, where i'm informed my services don't happen to be required during this particular lesson. think to myself, i should have just stayed home. pretend to laugh when someone else jokes that i might as well have just stayed home. contemplate actually going home. realize that if i do go home, i won't interact with another human being for the rest of the day. besides, i have to stay for a meeting, seeing as i'm on the list of topics to be discussed. try to mentally prepare for whatever catastrophes the meeting might hold. (that is, mentally map out quickest escape route after plan to sit as close to door as possible fails miserably.) survive meeting without having to make use of escape route. (literally saved by the bell!) lunch/coffee/mini-nervous breakdown with a teacher/friend. go make up errands to run "in town" before going home.


as one of my dear friends from home would say, "did i pay $25,000 a year for THIS?!?!?"

yeah.

because, see, actually, i did. (well, sort of, i'm not actually sure how much my students loans have racked up to, but really, do i even want to know??!) but you know what? i've learned something. a lot of things, actually. mostly things i haven't wanted to learn!! =) but things i need to learn anyway. it's a little like this:


O dark dark dark. They all go into the dark.

I said to my soul, be still, and let the dark come upon you
Which shall be the darkness of God.

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.

Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

The laughter in the garden, echoed ecstasy
Not lost, but requiring, pointing to the agony
Of death and birth.

-selected lines from T.S. Eliot's the Four Quartets, East Coker III (emphasis mine)

what's the last line?? the last word? (and for the those who know the rest of the poem..."in my end is my beginning." yeah.

average american

You Are 70% "Average American"

You are average because you live within three miles of McDonalds. You are not average since you have (at least) a college degree.

How "Average American" Are You?

ok, so not to be super anal about this or anything, but i'm pretty sure i live closer to a mcdonald's in germany than i ever did in ann arbor!! (read: i'm sure there is one in A2, but i can't for the life of me think of where!! i know there's a wendy's on plymouth, and there's the stuff in the basement of the union--but still no mickey d's... oh, wait, there used to be a mcdonald's where bubble island is now on south U, but that was, what? 4 years ago???)

do the ends really justify the means?

so when i first got to here it was agreed upon that outside of the actual english classes i would speak german with everyone here, even the english teachers. i was a fan of this rule. i still am. however, there have been a few instances, say, when my non-german-speaking brother was here, for example, when we've had to speak some english, right? this probably sounds strange, but it's COMPLETELY weird for me to speak english with people here!! in fact, it was even a little strange the first couple of times i heard some of the teachers speak english in class, because i was so used to hearing them speak entirely in german. i mean, i know all of them speak english. quite well actually. and with the coolest accents!! =) but it's still weird for me to talk to them in english, even when the occasion demands it. it's easier with some of them than with others, of course--actually, it's easiest with the ones i have the least to do with. probably because i don't care if i talk to them or not period, so whether in english or german is more or less irrelevant! =) but it still always catches me off guard somehow.

you'd think i'd be relieved to finally be able to speak english or something, but that's not at all how it works, strangely. a lot of times i just feel even more coversationally awkward than i would in german, because i'm so not used to speaking english with them. go figure. besides, it kind of feels like cheating. i mean, i can obviously express myself a lot better in english than in german--not that that's saying much, although i've been told i'm getting better!! =) so whoever i'm talking to is going to understand more of what i'm saying--and more of who i am--when i speak english. and it's kind of irritating when i know that i'm capable of telling the same stories, expressing the same ideas, etc. in german, but i don't have the opportunity to have such conversations unless english speakers are around, and then we all have to speak english. grrrrr. don't get me wrong. i mean, i'll take what i can get!! and i'm actually just glad to have finally gotten comfortable speaking english with some of these people instead of being completely weirded out by the whole thing. but it still feels like...yeah, like cheating.


p.s. 8 days now. can this be for real?!?!?!

can this much optimism be healthy??!

6 days now. either something really horrible is about to happen, or i'm becoming an optimist. wait... what??!

yeah. so i dragged myself out of bed this morning, and after deciding it was too cold outside to walk all the way to school, i headed towards the bus stop. i'd gotten about halfway there, when out of nowhere, i heard someone calling my name. now were my name, say Eva or Sabine or Katja, i probably wouldn't have bothered turning around, but it's not, and i can pretty much guarantee you there isn't another bethany within a 100 mile radius of this place. so i look around, and sure enough, there's one of my students pulled off to the side of the road some 10 yards away, wanting to know if i need a ride to school. heck yeah!! i mean, sure, why not, right? (in the US that would soooo be against any school policy ever written, but whatev.) this is two days in a row now, that i've been offered a ride by students who've seen me walking somewhere in the freezing cold. isn't that the coolest thing ever? who are these people??!

well, if that little gem of a story didn't brighten your day, maybe these Top 10 lists will make you crack a smile. if nothing else, you'll feel better knowing there are people out there who are crazier than you...

Top 10...
Reasons to drive across the US
Misconceptions about the English language
Reasons NOT to travel to a foreign country
Best uses for garden gnomes

one more reason

one more reason to love dar williams (because pulling off use of the word "hegemony" in her lyrics isn't reason enough?!?!):

just listen to the first, i don't know, 30-40 seconds or so: interview

make that two reasons. here's the song itself: comfortably numb

Zungenbrecher

anyone up for a few german tongue-twisters? =)

Fischers Fritz fischt frische Fische. Frische Fische fischt Fischers Fritz.
(The Fischers' son Fritz fishes for fresh fish.)
..."frisch fragen," Nelsen? =)

Zwischen zwei Zwetschgenzweigen zwitschern zwei Schwalben.
(Between two plum tree branches twitter two swallows.)

which brings me to my next point... i CANNOT pronounce the word "Zwetschgen" in a sentence!!! for the life of me!! it's hilarious. if i can ever master the phrases "ein Stück Zwetschgen Kuchen" and "sie spricht schon Schwäbisch," then i'll know i can actually speak german. until then...at least i have a sure-fire way to get a laugh out of the germans!!! =)


hey y'all. five good days in a row. this might be a record! =)

fact or fiction

three interesting things i was told today--which may or may not be true:

1) i don't have a very strong american accent when i speak english!

2) the reason that yawning is contagious--even over the phone--is that the part of your brain that responds when someone yawns is the part that has to do with sympathy and emotions. (more fascinating thoughts and theories about yawning)

3) my hair is "flippig"--for a moderately amusing look at what exactly that might mean, here's what the folks at LEO have to say. i'm still not sure if i should be flattered or offended!! =)

ramblings

so i was in Köln last weekend visiting a fellow american TA, who just happens to also be a fellow lover of good music. (and you know what i mean, when i say "good"...) we just kept taking turns playing stuff for each other, and it was great. i've missed that. i mean, up until this past weekend, my only other musical experience was the U2 moment i posted about before. and while that was great and all, i see the fellow U2 fan like maybe once a month, and although the likelihood of hearing good music increases in direct proportion to the amount of wine consumed--as does the likelihood of my speaking a lot of german!--even alcohol can't induce me to pretend i DON'T lack the vocabulary for discussing such things auf deutsch. (although the last--only??--good conversation i had in german was triggered by music. hmmmm.) but yeah. the U2 fan is one of those people you don't have to talk to be cool with, although we can talk, thus making him one of my favorite people in germany =)

no, but seriously. you know how there are some people you're just comfortable with? right from the beginning it just kind of works. and then there are the people you're comfortable with--but you have to work at it first. and then--this is where it gets complicated--there are the people with whom you should be comfortable but just aren't. for no apparent reason. those are the ones that stress me out. it stresses them out, too, though, which just makes me more stressed out =) but i actually had a conversation with one such person today that did NOT involve me bursting into tears at any point. this is definitely an accomplishment. maybe by the time i leave here at the end of june, i'll have finally gotten the hang of all this...

(by the way, still waiting on some suggestions for next year!!! i'm at a loss here!!)

why i wasn't a physics major

in•er•tia /i'nər sh ə/
noun
1. a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged
2. physics: a property of matter by which it contintues in its existing state, unless that state is changed by an outside force

stuff like this scares the shit out of me.

For Real

"Miss Havisham was a bit like a strict parent, your worst teacher and a newly appointed South American dictator all rolled into one. Which wasn't to say I didn't like her or respect her--it was just that I felt I was still nine whenever she spoke to me."

--Thursday Next in Jasper Fforde's The Well of Lost Plots


That pretty much sums up my relationship to...umm, almost everyone at the moment. After a good three weeks of speaking little or no German--which, hmm, really isn't any different from life before those 3 weeks, now that I'm thinking about it--my German is, well, a bit rusty to say the least. I forget that Germans don't know how to interact with introverts. (Yes, that's what I said. No, it's not really true. But sometimes I think it could be. I should be shot for making such sweeping generalizations. Fine. Come on over and shoot me then. Please.) I guess it's the whole German directness thing. I kind of thought that was just a stereotype. I mean, we've already debunked the myth of German efficiency, so why wouldn't it be plausible to think that the German directness thing is just some sort of exaggerative characterization created by easily offended American tourists, who were once brutally remonstrated by some Oma for crossing against the light, right? Wrong. German directness is for real. And it has nothing to do with the Omas, who, really, as long as you know when to stay on the sidewalk, are actually quite nice.

12 reasons i should not travel alone

(a.k.a. my ipod might actually be the death of me)

so ani difranco might actually be the only other person on the planet who finds life as confusing as i do. she, unlike yours truly, however, is at least somewhat articulate about it...

As Is
Out of Habit
Light of Some Kind
Not a Pretty Girl
Buildings and Bridges
Hour Follows Hour
Both Hands
Falling Is Like This
Sorry I Am
Wish I May
Cradle and All
You Had Time

Danke schön!

can we talk about how AMAZING my friends are?!!??! seriously!!! you guys have been incredible this week. at the risk of sounding like even more of an ass than usual, i have to admit, i had underestimated some of you. unwittingly, of course, but still. so for that, my apologies. y'all have been unreal. your strength and courage astound me and pale only in comparison to your kindness. thank you.

special thanks to:
alicia--for reminding me that reality and insanity are not necessarily mutually exclusive
michelle--for the "i can't believe it's not burt's" lip balm--by far the coolest christmas present i've ever gotten!! =)

is my mother a mind-reader?

actual list of questions as asked by my mother in an email i received today:
"How was class this week? Teaching the same kids or did things get shifted around after the holidays? What are your thoughts about next year? Staying in Germany? Going to Austria? Going on for your master's at U of MI? Moving to Chicago? Doing something exotic? Just wondered?"

hmmm. i haven't talked to her about my plans for next year AT ALL. how the hell did she know all of that???


p.s. if anyone has any other ideas, i'm open to suggestions!! =)

my favorite bus driver in hohenlohe

so there's this one bus driver i encounter at least once a week. the guy is an absolute asshole. seriously. i have never met someone so absurdly cranky in my life. he's just permanently grumpy. it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, the guy is guaranteed to find something to be pissed about--and he WILL scold you, in typical german fashion. it's hilarious. this guy makes my day. for real!

people like that--you know, people who seem determined not only to be miserable but to make sure they inflict their misery on everyone else--used to piss me off. but a guy i worked with last summer made an interesting comment after hearing of our encounter with a particularly irritable woman with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement (the "birmingham" lady, for those of you who were there). he was like, "people like that make me happy." and i was like, "huh!?!?!?!" and then he explained that people like that make him glad that he's not like that, that he's not an ass, that there are, in fact, nice people in the world. and you know, the guy had a point.

i mean, we could all walk around being pissed off and critical and belittle everyone we encounter--god knows, it's not like it's hard to do!!! but we have a choice. bus driver man chooses to be angry at the world. and he seems quite content with that decision. you know, if being angry makes him happy...whatev. but now that i can interact with people like that without getting angry in return, i actually find them amusing. i seriously laughed all the way home, because he was in rare form today: the bus he was driving wasn't even listed on the fahrplan, and the two other buses that were supposed to come hadn't arrived yet, so everyone was confused and kept asking him if he went to this place or that place, and he just got more and more visibly agitated, and then this group of kids got on the bus, and he was mad that they had "waited" to get on the bus. (in actuality, it took them all of 5 seconds to walk from where they had been standing--at the end of the bus--to where he had stopped. i think he was just pissed that they got on the bus at all.) so all of this takes about a minute. then this little old lady, who had been standing there watching the whole scene unfold right along with me, goes up and asks him one more question. he just blew up at her, and she came back and looked at me, shaking her head, and we both just laughed incredulously.

borrowing lots of words

i'm borrowing other people's words again. "it's about repairing the existing." original context was notions of urban renewal and how we generally get it wrong--by trying to erect something new and incongruent instead of dealing with the reality of the community in synthesis... ("can't put no band-aid on this cancer") but i'm not here to talk about architecture...


"Sometimes when I lay down at night
I swear I can see to heaven
For it's in dreaming that the things
I always knew
are the only thoughts I have...

But it's a hard road that we follow
The saddest cities, the darkest hollows

But I hear it in your voice, love
Like someone sweetly willing
The hope of all these years,
the prayer of a time
that we don't even know

I hear it in your voice, love
The strongest sound
I've ever heard
Like water from a well
so deep in the ground
I'll never thirst again

But it's a hard road that we follow
The saddest cities, and the darkest hollows

And everything that's far away
And was lost from me
I see it all from here
In you

--bits and pieces from "hollow" by Hem


and, yes, this is all somehow about renewal. about repairing the existing. about not running away. about finding the good that is there, that has always been there--in the "things i always knew" kind of way.

"the life i'm living is completely foreign to me--yet it's mine. life here is like a permanent out of body experience, like i'm off somewhere watching this other me from a distance. 'did that just happen? did i really just say that? how is this my life?' but i want it. i want to understand it, to experience all of this. even when i know it won't make sense for another ten years, if even then. as much as i'm not ok here sometimes, i can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else. it's beautiful here. and terrifying and humiliating and exhausting and exciting and absolutely hilarious and every bit as much a part of me as everything else i've ever experienced. i know that much already, even though i have no idea what that will mean.

i wish that i were brave enough to believe. i was going to finish that sentence differently, but it finished itself. to believe what? to believe in what? i don't know. maybe just to believe that there's something to believe in.

i want to believe in the unbelievable. i want to remember the things my soul knew before there was me. or you. or anything we know of life."


yeah.

there's no place like home

god i love ann arbor. it is soooo great to be home. even just for a few days. weird as hell. but good.

this may have been the most absurd thing i've done in a long time, this let's fly home tomorrow nonsense. but yeah. i kind up just woke up one morning (well, technically, i didn't wake up, because i hadn't actually gone to sleep, but whatev.) and decided to go home. so i found a relatively cheap flight, packed my backpack, and started the trek to the airport. i think the flight itself was shorter than the amount of time it took me to get to the airport. seriously. but i guess that's what i get for trying to travel on new year's eve.

time it took to get from my house to the airport: 7h 22m
number of buses, trains, and car rides combined: 7
length of flight: 9h 33m
random people i ran into in the airport: 1
number of people i asked before finding a ride to ann arbor: 8
number of random people i've run into since being here: ?!?!?!?!?!?

most commonly asked questions (plural):
"what are you doing here?"
"are you home for good?"
"how's germany?"
"so what are you doing next year?"

answer (singular):
"ummm, i have no idea."

insert a few random hugs from people i hadn't seen in forever, really good food, lots of sleep, a few random conversations with bucks regulars, lots of coffee, and a little drama here and there, and you've pretty much got my week. getting back to germany's going to be a bit of a reality check after this. what was i thinking!??!!??!?!